Bicara Hati di Aidil Fitri

Menjelang aidil fitri

Aku kesunyian disini

Sedih pilu sekali

Entah mengapa sungguh hairan

Rasa tak kesampaian

Sesuatu telah hilang

Ku duduk pinggir sendiri

Menghitung hari

Memikir diri

Bukan kah sepatutnya hari ini

Gembira datang dihati

Kerana Syawal kan hampir mejelang

Semua menyambut riang!

Jadi mengapa aku masih sebak dihati?

Rasa kekosongan diri

Ada hajat tak sampai?

Atau tak puas di hati?

Wahai Ramadhan

Pergi engkau sekali lagi

Meninggal kan diri ini

Serupa seperti dulu

Entah mengapa

Rasa tak kesampaian

Sesuatu telah hilang

(end)

SELAMAT HARI RAYA

kepada semua pembaca budiman tak kira siapa, dimana jua berada.

Ampun maaf dipinta

Tersalah kata-kata

Pena ini dari hati

Kadang kala tenang

Kadangnya gusar

Kepada ibubapa ku

Ampun kan dosa

Minta halal makan dan minum

Terima kasih atas budimu

Kepada suamiku

Engkaulah sandaranku

Temanku dalam kehidupan

Ampunkan dosaku dan halalkan

Segalanya

Aku hanyalah isteri biasa

Kepada anak2 ku

Maafkan ibumu yang kekurangan

Kesilapan seorang ibu

Mohon tuhan lindungi kalian

Chain of Love

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When I was small, I remember one of my parents’ passions was to buy golds for me and my sister. It was hard time for them not having money but they still invested in these presents. As a result, I remember the happiness of wearing them, the talks between my parents and the wonder of these little bright golden metals hanging beautifully down my neck. I was so proud of wearing them.

So that passion has transferred to me. This year I bought Fatini a bracelet, I didn’t buy it actually. I took my old rings I bought myself a few years back, sold them and got a nice bracelet for my daughter.

Fatini, my little gift for you to brighten up your early memory of HariRaya.

Turning a blind eye

I have a headache. One of the burdens in life is having a live-in maid. I think everybody may tend to agree with me. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. So essential but to many unlucky ones may face various problems associated with them. Name it, social problem, abuse problem, runaway, health and hygiene, and these are all the things we try to regulate in our home.

Near all my friends have one or all of these problems. Some of them gave up totally. One or two ignored the problems.

For me what choice do I have? I needed a maid so I see what I want to see so that I can live happily and ignore any warning signs.

She has been working with me for almost 2 years and there were lots of telltale signs which I ignored because I needed a maid to clean and iron. Lately somehow I became fearful to leave the kids with her even for half an hour for a short trip to the shop. Lots of horrendous thoughts entered my mind, you know all the horror stories you heard.

Many times it’s so frustrated to see her cleaning work. Even a twelve year old can think. And she is 40 year old.

My maid destroyed our garments. To avoid from scolding her I decided that all washing and clothes segregation is done by me. She didn’t wash food properly and her cooking was so yucky despite reminders. Tired of talking, starting 6 months ago, all food preparation and cooking is done by me. No problem I still can take all those. Once arrived home from work, I rushed to the kitchen to prepare dinner. She accompanied my kids watching TV.

Not to mention anything that she could break had been broken. Sometimes I also was amazed by her strength.

My children they don’t want Bibik to wash for them or to bathe them or to change their clothes. No problem, I’ll do it. Anyway what better way to bond and form relationship with our kids.

I know she has never shown concern for the kids and seemed to put herself before the kids. Many times I have lectured her about it but nothing seems to change. What can I do, I need her for cleaning and ironing.

Her appetite seemed to be so big, I made it a point she had something to munch all the time so that she won’t be bored staying at home during the day. She finished everything in a flash and I needed to find some more for her.

Her night routine is watching TV with me and the kids. Well; she’s a human being too!

Anyway, this is what bothered me. Emir, since he started talking and because nursery children are always taught to complain when being hit, have been complaining to me recently that the maid slapped and pushed his head. It happened again this morning when I left them alone at the car for a short while. When I started to drive away, Emir said “ Mommy.. Bibik pushed my head..” I was already late so I decided not to return to the house to ask the maid about it. Previously a month ago, I needed to go to the shop after coming back from work. When I left the house Emir was crying because he wanted to follow me and Fatini was sleeping. When I got back upstairs Emir said “ Mommy, Bibik pushed my head “ and used his hand to demonstrate how the maid slapped the back of his head and jerked his head. I repeatedly asked him just to make sure and got the same answers. Immediately I went to my CCTV recorder ( I have a CCTV at home with 4 cameras covering major family areas, I never checked this recorder unless I am suspicious of something). I rewind and checked and I found that I didn’t see her and Emir for a period of 15 minutes in those areas (I was gone for about 45 minutes). From the recorder I can guess she put Emir between the kitchen and the main hall downstairs which is a blind spot to the camera.

I went downstairs and asked her where was she and Emir because I couldn’t see them in the camera recorder. She told me at the front door because Emir was crying. I didn’t tell her what Emir told me but instead warned her that she was not to hit my kids. She nicely said her previous jobs were all looking after small kids and she never hit any of those kids.

I found out yesterday from neighbours and my mother’s maid that

1. her day daily chore is hanging out with one maid after another from morning to evening. Just before I got home she will return to the house. No wonder my house is so dusty.

2. When she was working with another family in Saudi she was beaten because the employer found out she had been hitting their kids

Do I still need her? Do I need to wait for a bigger reason before I decide to rid of her?

What would I do without you

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Fatini is emotionally very close to me. I can see it in her actions, her tantrums, her wants and needs. And most of all her demands on me, my presence and my affirmations on her feelings. Sometimes I look at this little girl of mine, she’s so cute with beautiful eyes she got from her daddy, pinkish cheeks and soft features and yet she’s so sensitive and the feelings she expressed mirrors a thinking that is matured beyond her tender years. Often I was surprised by her remarks, talks and actions. Frequently she drove me up the wall with her emotional demand but repeatedly and consistently she melts my heart as swiftly.

She is a kid nevertheless experiencing childhood. Wanting a mom’s presence, hovering between independence and fear of abandonment.  Contemplating between childish needs and taught logic. Hoping for a mother’s patience, tolerance and understanding. And I am still learning to be a mother.

The other side of life

KUANTAN 23 Sept. - Setiap kali menjelang Hari Raya Aidilfitri, seorang ibu tunggal bersama empat anaknya hanya mampu melihat keriangan insan-insan lain menyambut hari lebaran itu. Tiada ketupat rendang, jauh sekali pakaian baru buat mereka sekeluarga melainkan linangan air mata apabila berkumandangnya takbir di pagi Syawal.

Lebih mengharukan apabila anak-anak Rosnah Samawi, 38, bertanyakan baju dan kasut baru untuk keluar beraya bersama rakan. Rosnah bersama empat anaknya, Nurul Hidayah Hussein, 12; Mohd. Taufik, 8; Siti Najar, 7, dan Norhayati, 3, mengharungi keperitan itu sejak tiga tahun lalu apabila suaminya yang bekerja sebagai buruh kasar meninggal dunia akibat diserang penyakit asma.

Kini, lima beranak itu bukan sahaja tinggal di sebuah rumah papan usang sebesar bilik tidur di Tanah Putih Lama di sini, malah kehidupan mereka bergantung sepenuhnya pada wang bantuan RM200 yang diperuntukkan Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat (JKM) pada setiap bulan.

Rosnah ketika ditemui berkata, keperitan hidupnya bermula apabila suaminya meninggal dunia pada tahun 2005 menyebabkan dia bersama empat anaknya hilang tempat bergantung dan terpaksa meneruskan hidup dalam penuh kedaifan.

Where's your sweet pout today?

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This morning while putting on my lipstick (as usual I put my lipstick in the car parked in the basement), the lipstick broke (how come? Fatini, Emir did you play with mommy’s lipstick last night????). The lipstick fell and nicely rolled on my very white shirt ( I’m wearing all white, white shirt, white pants, white shoes today). This left a red mark on my white shirt! Heaven ! I don’t know whether it will take off when I clean it later. In fact as soon as I arrived at the office I spent 15 minutes in the bathroom trying to wash off the lipstick mark with no success and instead the shirt front was soaked wet. Luckily the material is cotton which dried up fast. This was how my morning today at the office started.

Back to lipstick… Well it seems that the time to buy a new lipstick has arrived.  I have been thinking lately that out of all the lipsticks in my possession, I hardly used any except for the pale mauve color which I bought from Bodyshop. This seemed to be my favourite but it broke without me finishing it. It was too soft I guess. Now I have to find a new one. I have another pinkish color from Benefits but I don’t like the smell or the feel on my lips.

Lipstick is something I always put on before I go out or to work. I think it gives radiance to my face and/or confidence to my soul when facing with outside world. Thanks to this invention (who invented it anyway?). I don’t have any special technique to share on how to change the way your lips look. I just apply it primarily to give colour. I think my lips shape are just fine, if I try to change it, it will appear horrendous (think of Micahel Jackson…) so better just leave it alone.

Lipstick no matter of what type can cause dryness on the lips so once in a while I would apply a lip balm which will sooth the skin on the lips. I also used lip pencil , actually I am not sure what it does, but that is the professional advice, so I think they know better ;-)

For night functions I would put a brighter colour. As everybody may have known already, it brings out the color under the artificial lights.  I have one very red lipstick I bought from Givenchy. Since I hardly ever used it, I am not even sure where I have been keeping it. I won’t wear this colour during the day though.

And thinking about the Raya coming next week, I really need to find another replacement for my favourite soft lipstick colour.

Happier times

We went back to my parents home last weekend. Fatini and Emir enjoying their regular kampong activities and with cousins Sara and Uzma. Main-gaduh-main-gaduh.

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(sorry, seen squatting in picture is my maid)

Fashion for Hari Raya

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And I am in the mood for singing…. (and this song is an old Malay song, maybe no one remembers, or I am too old already)

Joget Gadis Desa

Lenggangnya lembut jalan teratur
Rambutnya panjang sampai ke bahu

Hitam manis kulitnya
Sederhana orangnya
Si gadis desa hendak ke mana

Berbaju kurung memakai tudung
Jalannya tunduk mungkinkah sombong

Tapi tidaklah tidak
Gadis desa tak gitu
Kerana sigadis desa pemalu

Ingatlah oh gadis desa
Kau ibarat sekuntum bunga
Jika kau gugur dan layu
Tak seekor kumbang mendekat mu

Ingat pesan ayah
Turut pesan ibu 2x

Ayah dan ibu menjaga kamu
Dari kecil hingga kau dewasa
Usah dilupa-lupa apa pesannya itu
Harumkan nama si gadis desa

Dendang Perantau

Last Sunday we decided to go to the SACC Mall (Shah Alam City Centre) to buy Emir’s Baju Melayu and Fatini’s Baju kurung. The place was lively with sales of clothes and Raya cookies and delicacies. Nearby to the mall was PKNS complex, Anggerik Mall, Alam Sentral and Perangsang Plaza. These malls are the places to go during Raya season. They just generate this aura of HariRaya if you know what I mean. And it’s nostalgic. The hundreds of temporary stalls, the crowd of old, young and kids; families here, families there; the songs and music raya played on the malls sound system. Especially when this song is played… so nostalgic…

Di hari raya
Terkenang daku kepada si dia
Kampungku indah nun jauh di sana
Ayah serta bondaku

Di tepian mandi
Danauku hijau yang aman damai selalu
Nun di sanalah tempat aku bertemu
Aku dan dia

Apakan daya
Masa tak akan kembali
Hancur musnahlah semuanya

Impian yang murni
Tinggal menjadi kenang-kenanganku
Hanya rangkaian kata dan lagu
Dendang perantau

(Raya, tak sah tak de lagu ni… )

Well, once arrived there, the first problem was the parking space. There was simply none available. So we went around three times and lastly decided to park in the Quality Hotel parking. So in order to get to the SACC we had to cross a couple of roads.

So we squeezed in and squeezed out through the crowd with 2 kids. Actually I loved and hated the crowd and the congestion. It’s like walking in Oxford Street in London during sale season only that the weather was not the same.  I mean this was normal scene of days approaching HariRaya. But there were fear in my heart of losing my kids in the crowd since Emir and Fatini are not the kind who would just obediently stick by my side. They denied any instructions given to maintain order and peace of mommy and daddy’s shopping.

Normally during this kind of shopping I would take the passive role as my husband who is more particular about my children clothing did the chore of choosing the prettiest ones for the kids. It was not easy task especially to get them to try the clothes on. Then we bought Songkok for Emir which he threw to the floor a few feet away a couple of times. But he was so handsome with the songkok on his head….

Thankfully we managed to buy two pairs of Emir’s baju Melayu, another pair for Fatini baju kurung (we have bought 2 pairs of fatini’s baju kurung/kebaya at Subang Parade the previous week). Daddy also bought a pair of baju Melayu for himself matching with Emir’s to form the Daddy-Son coalition. Only Mommy didn’t want to buy any there. I am going to go shopping my baju raya alone in KL so that I can take my time to try them on peacefully.

A gratitude to Ms Ann

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I should have posted this earlier after the children move but I could not find the photos. This is to commemorate the person who took care of Fatini and Emir in their early years of life.

Pictures are my children with Ms Ann, the previous child care center owner who took care of Fatini (<1 year old to 4 year old) and Emir (birth to 2 ½ year old). Thank you and may God repay your commitment and dedication, the care and devotion towards the children.