Bicara Hati di Aidil Fitri

Menjelang aidil fitri

Aku kesunyian disini

Sedih pilu sekali

Entah mengapa sungguh hairan

Rasa tak kesampaian

Sesuatu telah hilang

Ku duduk pinggir sendiri

Menghitung hari

Memikir diri

Bukan kah sepatutnya hari ini

Gembira datang dihati

Kerana Syawal kan hampir mejelang

Semua menyambut riang!

Jadi mengapa aku masih sebak dihati?

Rasa kekosongan diri

Ada hajat tak sampai?

Atau tak puas di hati?

Wahai Ramadhan

Pergi engkau sekali lagi

Meninggal kan diri ini

Serupa seperti dulu

Entah mengapa

Rasa tak kesampaian

Sesuatu telah hilang

(end)

SELAMAT HARI RAYA

kepada semua pembaca budiman tak kira siapa, dimana jua berada.

Ampun maaf dipinta

Tersalah kata-kata

Pena ini dari hati

Kadang kala tenang

Kadangnya gusar

Kepada ibubapa ku

Ampun kan dosa

Minta halal makan dan minum

Terima kasih atas budimu

Kepada suamiku

Engkaulah sandaranku

Temanku dalam kehidupan

Ampunkan dosaku dan halalkan

Segalanya

Aku hanyalah isteri biasa

Kepada anak2 ku

Maafkan ibumu yang kekurangan

Kesilapan seorang ibu

Mohon tuhan lindungi kalian

The other side of life

KUANTAN 23 Sept. - Setiap kali menjelang Hari Raya Aidilfitri, seorang ibu tunggal bersama empat anaknya hanya mampu melihat keriangan insan-insan lain menyambut hari lebaran itu. Tiada ketupat rendang, jauh sekali pakaian baru buat mereka sekeluarga melainkan linangan air mata apabila berkumandangnya takbir di pagi Syawal.

Lebih mengharukan apabila anak-anak Rosnah Samawi, 38, bertanyakan baju dan kasut baru untuk keluar beraya bersama rakan. Rosnah bersama empat anaknya, Nurul Hidayah Hussein, 12; Mohd. Taufik, 8; Siti Najar, 7, dan Norhayati, 3, mengharungi keperitan itu sejak tiga tahun lalu apabila suaminya yang bekerja sebagai buruh kasar meninggal dunia akibat diserang penyakit asma.

Kini, lima beranak itu bukan sahaja tinggal di sebuah rumah papan usang sebesar bilik tidur di Tanah Putih Lama di sini, malah kehidupan mereka bergantung sepenuhnya pada wang bantuan RM200 yang diperuntukkan Jabatan Kebajikan Masyarakat (JKM) pada setiap bulan.

Rosnah ketika ditemui berkata, keperitan hidupnya bermula apabila suaminya meninggal dunia pada tahun 2005 menyebabkan dia bersama empat anaknya hilang tempat bergantung dan terpaksa meneruskan hidup dalam penuh kedaifan.

Dendang Perantau

Last Sunday we decided to go to the SACC Mall (Shah Alam City Centre) to buy Emir’s Baju Melayu and Fatini’s Baju kurung. The place was lively with sales of clothes and Raya cookies and delicacies. Nearby to the mall was PKNS complex, Anggerik Mall, Alam Sentral and Perangsang Plaza. These malls are the places to go during Raya season. They just generate this aura of HariRaya if you know what I mean. And it’s nostalgic. The hundreds of temporary stalls, the crowd of old, young and kids; families here, families there; the songs and music raya played on the malls sound system. Especially when this song is played… so nostalgic…

Di hari raya
Terkenang daku kepada si dia
Kampungku indah nun jauh di sana
Ayah serta bondaku

Di tepian mandi
Danauku hijau yang aman damai selalu
Nun di sanalah tempat aku bertemu
Aku dan dia

Apakan daya
Masa tak akan kembali
Hancur musnahlah semuanya

Impian yang murni
Tinggal menjadi kenang-kenanganku
Hanya rangkaian kata dan lagu
Dendang perantau

(Raya, tak sah tak de lagu ni… )

Well, once arrived there, the first problem was the parking space. There was simply none available. So we went around three times and lastly decided to park in the Quality Hotel parking. So in order to get to the SACC we had to cross a couple of roads.

So we squeezed in and squeezed out through the crowd with 2 kids. Actually I loved and hated the crowd and the congestion. It’s like walking in Oxford Street in London during sale season only that the weather was not the same.  I mean this was normal scene of days approaching HariRaya. But there were fear in my heart of losing my kids in the crowd since Emir and Fatini are not the kind who would just obediently stick by my side. They denied any instructions given to maintain order and peace of mommy and daddy’s shopping.

Normally during this kind of shopping I would take the passive role as my husband who is more particular about my children clothing did the chore of choosing the prettiest ones for the kids. It was not easy task especially to get them to try the clothes on. Then we bought Songkok for Emir which he threw to the floor a few feet away a couple of times. But he was so handsome with the songkok on his head….

Thankfully we managed to buy two pairs of Emir’s baju Melayu, another pair for Fatini baju kurung (we have bought 2 pairs of fatini’s baju kurung/kebaya at Subang Parade the previous week). Daddy also bought a pair of baju Melayu for himself matching with Emir’s to form the Daddy-Son coalition. Only Mommy didn’t want to buy any there. I am going to go shopping my baju raya alone in KL so that I can take my time to try them on peacefully.

Matters of the Heart

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Last night as I scanned the channel, I stopped to watch Oprah because she was interviewing the Seal and Heidi Klum couple. One thing that intrigued me was that Seal told the audience that he believes the secret to a happy family is Wife First, Family Second. Happy wife makes Happy Life and Happy family. It just dawned on me how true that statement is! I mean this is the secret isn’t it? Few men get this and only those who’s wise enough know the bliss. I am not being impartial here because I am a woman/wife. But logically, no wonder that so much has been stressed on good treatment towards wife by the Koran.

We women, we have something that is so big yet so weak. So what is it? It’s none other that the heart, spelled H.E.A.R.T. It can expand to no limit with love and willing to sacrifice when needed be.  You win a woman’s heart you will get everything you wish for.

We are the blessed ones whose hearts belong to our husbands.

 

What this month means

During this fasting month, I left the office early (with approval off course) for home. I then picked up my children and drove straight home. Because I was early, I managed to save a lot of time on the road. Normally I would cook something for the family, sometimes more dish, sometimes less, sometimes none, for the fasting break time. Then after that I will spend the time in the family area minding the kids in front of the TV.

I have to mention my kids here. Emir speech is even more now even though it’s still painfully difficult to understand 100% of what he’s saying. And he’s getting so active being superman, batman, ultraman or whatever man there is in this universe. I worry some times that he may hurt himself. He seems so playful and full with energy. Never walking, always running and speeding here and there, otherwise rolling up and down or flying up and away. Huh, such energy! He also teased his sister and his mommy. Pandai betul…He’s such a pleasure to watch. He makes my heart swell.

And Fatini currently she has to practice reading a passage of a story as homework. She does not read yet. I wonder if other kids her age already advanced in reading. I’m supposed to teach her but I don’t possess the patience required as teacher so most of the time I asked her to read by herself. How is she going to learn then having a mother like that? Well I am not too worried about it actually. I hope she will read soon. (Just hoping but didn’t do anything!) Apart from that her activity will include teasing her brother and doing her other ‘work’ quietly. Well, just in case Fatini is reading this in the future, I love to look at you as well darling. You are a pleasure for me to have.

And me…. what do I do during this month? I know it should be different from other months but yet there was I still spending time watching the TV at night (terrible!), winding down from work, and then come 11 pm unable to keep my eyes open anymore. I only went to the Tarawih congregation once on the eve of the first Ramadhan. I should be doing more to improve my spiritual side this month. Somehow the time is too tight for me or maybe it’s just my excuses. But I hate the rush. I have to think of alternatives.

Well, to remind myself as well, this is a month to purify the soul, a month to teach our inner self to be more humble and grateful, and a month to serve and get closer to God better.  I am just a normal human being trying my best to do the best I can. And God is so ever the most Gracious the most Merciful. And I hope to be a better person as each day comes.

Human Beings

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Do you have enemies that you wish something bad would happen to him/her! Something that you don’t want to happen to yourself but wish it will happen to others? I hope you don’t, because what goes around will come around. I don’t dare to wish anything bad to happen even to the very person who I thought had crashed my life and my dignity. Because what you think is not necessarily what is truth. The mind is complex and ever full with its tricks and treats. As long as I am aware of that I know I am okay.

You know some people are just so narrow minded. They know they are lacking in something and their low self esteem make them so wish something bad will happen to you. These people wish you will feel worse than them. These people have no good intention on you. They may use you to the fullest when you let them but you get in their way, the devils come out.

And there’s people who think very highly of themselves. And who put themselves first before others. Who expect from others but never give. Who make thousands of good excuses for themselves to rationalize their actions and ease their guilt?

I am not stupid. I know when I am being used for others’ advantage. I know what is fair or not. I pretend I don’t notice.

So life is like that. Your best friend is yourself. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your loved ones. Take care of yourself because nobody else will do it for you.

Ramadhan and memories

There you go. I have done the labelling to sort my posting. The topics are not really as labelled but can be grouped together as such, So i guess, it makes things more organized.

I wish everybody a good weekend. And to muslims selamat berpuasa, this is the month for new resolutions, to be a better person, richer in qualities and quantities, and enjoy the month of Ramadhan as family as it is only once a year.

I can't wait to start as Ramadhan always brings new meanings to me. I have years of memories of Ramadhan backdated to childhood years as early as I can remember. The memories as children. Learning to fast, the cheating, the water we drank after playing because we forgot, the times mom and dad had diffidulty to wake us up for sahur because we were too sleepy, the time I cannot wait to buka puasa and counting down the minutes, the gathering of families during breaking fast everyday for the whole month, the nightly terawih at surau, the excitement of baju raya and shoe shopping, the verses of niat puasa and doa bukak puasa my father taught us, the cookies we helped mom to bake and how i counted how many my mom prepared for the Raya that year.

Those were memories from childhood. and I am still making memories and remembering all the Ramadhans. May God make me a better person.

Categorizing

I have not been labeling or categorizing my posting. Anyway since I have been erratically posting about anything, I want to start doing the categorizing now and particularly I want to dedicate a category to Health Issues as I am very interested in it and I want to explore more about common health issues affecting us the common people and want to share the information here. Also I need to file the info somewhere anyway.

I still have not gotten around how the labeling work, let me figure it out first!

Mere me

My job requires me to be very technical. Day in and day out I am engrossed in facts, figures, programs, technical discussion, calculations etc. I am in the job where 95% is dominated by the opposite sex and that means ego plays are predominant. I have been doing this for years and years. When I am done with the day, normally I was so mentally and physically exhausted. So when I go somewhere else, I don’t certainly want to talk about anything intelligent, work, get into argument or talk anything serious. I don’t really talk about work with my husband, we go home automatically conversations will not include work. Not his, not mine. I played with my children and watched the Entertainment Channel which is my favourite channel on Astro. Admiring the actresses and singers. Their beauty and wealth. Whatever they have and I don’t have. Otherwise I watched the CSI, House, Ghost Whisperer and equivalent series.

When I go out with female friends we talk about local light gossips, clothes, belts, shoes, handbags, hair, diet, all the things that some people say “bimbos” talk about. I don’t buy Times, Economists, Newsweek, Oil&Gas Journals, etc, even though sometimes I receive them free. I buy HELLO, PEOPLE, JELITA, HOT, HER WORLD and the likes and whenever I found any tabloids, I really love to read. This is my way to relax my mind. To take my mind to another fun world temporarily. This is also my check and balance between being a nerd and an attractive person. Who says a technical person must be looking professional at all times, unexciting, unwomanly and nerdy.

Once I met a woman at a very highly regarded dinner event. She’s a wife of somebody who was invited to the function. Since she was sitting next to me at the table, I tried to start a conversation. She told me she didn’t like to talk about trivials like shoes, handbags, and gossips like other women, she considered it boring and stupid. Her remark sort of stunted me for a second.

Okay, if you talk about that kind of things day in and day out maybe there’s something wrong with you or you are in the industry where that kind of thing is important. But I was like thinking, I just want to have some fun time here. Well if you don’t want to talk about trivials would you understand if I open discussion on my professional expertise. I could join the men in their conversation and left you out but I was trying to be a mere woman here.

It seems that some woman potray status by certain definition. I am not like that. I just want to be respected at work but outside work I just want to be a person, an attractive, interesting and friendly one.

Remote operation

Since my mother is away, my father is basically looked after by the maid who was already hired specifically for him. Before my mom was always there to manage her. Now my sister moved to my mom’s house during her absence to oversee everything. So I called this morning to check on the maid alertness. Conversation translated to English.

Me: Bibik, how’s Datuk ?

Maid: Good, good everything is good. Everything is good.

Me: What is good? Don’t tell me everything is good and when I come back this weekend, Datuk is not good.

Maid: What I mean is Datuk is like normal. No bad things happened.. Cik Uzir (the nurse) still comes in everyday. He said Datuk is already good. If he doesn’t come in I will call him.

Me: Did you turn Datuk every 2 hours at night? He needs to otherwise he will get the bed sores.

Maid: I did. Last night I woke up at 1 am and then 4 am to turn him. I moved his bed to near my room because I am scared anything will happen to him while Wan is away. Datuk is behaving strange nowadays.

Me: What do you mean strange?

Maid: He never called me before. But nowadays he called me a few times, “Bibik, bibik!” when I answered he said “ It’s nothing!” Sometime when ill people behave strangely means something bad is going to happen.

Me: That means good sign! He’s talking because he’s not in pain. Nothing bad is happening. What about Datuk's food? Did you give him his meals? What did you cook?

Maid: Yes, I give him food like normal. Breakfast milk and bread. Afternoon is rice and dish, evening milo and bread. Supper is milk. Kakak (my sister) cooked the lunch. Today is chicken with rice. Yesterday fish with riice. No porridge. I cooked the rice a bit softer.

Me: Okay la bibik. You make sure you look after him. He is under your responsibility now. Do you understand that?

Maid: Yes, yes, kak. I know.

I hang up. I hope the maid is doing what she said. I know I am doing a remote control here. But so far I see for the past year she’s taking care of my father well. Despite all her faults and blunders which we overlook as long as she treats my father well.

Livelihood

Work is necessary.

For me work means differently at different times of my life. When I started working after finishing my University, fresh face and innocent, work meant achieving an ambition. An ambition to be a professional. To start earning to help my folks. To become independent. To be adult. To explore the world of working. I was not a student anymore. I was done with studying and exams.

Then in the next stage, work became an obsession. An obsession to perform. To do well. To further my career. This was the busiest time of my life. I only worked and slept during the 24 hr day. Work was my life. Without work I was nothing. I can work overtime without any pay. Nights or weekends did not matter.

Then after a few years, with the experience gained and the youth, my market value increased. Work meant traveling overseas which I liked and enhancing living experience. Making more money. Work meant applying my capability and experience. Work became a status symbol for me.

Now, work means something totally different. Work means being away from the kids. Work means I couldn’t take care of the kids myself to see them grow in front of my eyes. Work means I have to let others did my duties as a mother. Work is a sacrifice I made. Work is just to earn my living.

Bowling Results

I was ranked 54 from 72 participants! Great ! I feel good I was not the last entry on the list!
Anybody wants to challenge me for lower scores...?
Now that all my body aches are almost gone, I can give an opinion on this sport. I think it's a good sport using the major muscles group but it is unbalance. I used my right arm to throw and lots of pressure on my left leg. The bending also hurt my knee. Next time if I ever play again, I will use my left arm/right leg to balance it out.

Flex that muscles a bit

Did I tell I was to play netball last night? It is the sports week for my company and when I was chosen to play for my department, well why not!. The last time I played was in the ancient time when I was in the primary school. At the time I played for the school but sekolah kampong je…
See our pictures in action.









Last picture were our sweet kind referees.

A treat for me

Today I went to KLCC during lunch. Despite an invitation to join my friends for lunch, I turned it down, prefer to go for a quick shopping. Since I am in the process of changing out my wardrobe, I decided to go to the second floor where the ladies boutiques are. I went into one after another. It is the sale time. Despite the sales of 50%-70% offer, the clothes are still too expensive. Normally I won’t go to the sales rack. See, the sales people are always scrutinizing whether you are worth to be served. (Yes, I still sense that state of mind when I go into certain shops.) I will just go to any rack (berlagak kaya sikit) and check the original price. If more than RM1200.00 per piece even if the clothes are 70%, I still won’t bother to check any further. Normally they don’t give 70% to the nice outfits only the left over ones which could not be sold due to odd size or something.

I don’t know how, but somehow I got myself into this particular boutique. There were 50-60% sales. I decided to just browse through the rack and found the original price per shirt is mostly below RM700. So 50% will be RM350 or mostly the price will range from RM300-500 after sales. That’s acceptable to me as long as they look good on me and the quality is long lasting.

Some of the fashion design was quite funny, which at my age I wouldn’t put on (people would laugh at me if they see me wearing those). It’s like a hole here and a hole there. I didn’t even know which are the sleeves to insert my hands into. Anyway I picked up a few decent looking ones, checked the prices whether they are within my budget and went into the fitting room. When I tried them on, most of the shirts I picked fit me nicely. I don’t know whether the mirror there was doing tricks on me. You know la sometimes you try the shirts at the shop, they look fine but when you finally put it on at home, they don’t look so good anymore. This happened to my dinner dress last time. Anyway I found some of these shirts really fit me well. And size S at that. It couldn’t be true but the sales person said the size is ok. Well maybe it was the cut. What I like most is that I think the shirt design makes me look slimmer.

The boutique owner was so happy with me when I decided to buy a few. Chit chat with me la…get my phone number for future updates on the latest collection etc etc. I managed to come out of the boutique smiling carrying my shopping bag minus some $$$$.

Economics

Yesterday my Unit Trust Consultants paid me a visit. To explain to me what is happening to my investment. I have put quite a substantial amount (by my standard which to some people maybe peanuts) into this investment hoping I will make better returns than what I would get from the banks.

With the current situation in the world and in the country itself, all my current investment has accumulated negative profits. Their advice to me which I already know actually but pretend a little bit like I don’t know is

1. don’t panic ( I’m not )
2. do cost averaging, meaning buy some more units when the price is low, therefore I will recover faster and make more profit when the time come to sell (makes sense, I will think about it)
3. the China funds will increase because the Olympic is just around the corner ( I really hope so), otherwise wait for Chinese New Year time
4. the economy is expected to start recovery next year
5. the price cycle is 3 years (I guess that you will have the opportunity to sell every 3 years)
6. historically the share market always revives back no matter how low it gets to

After briefing me, I told them firmly to take care of my investment because the money came from my hard work earnings every month not from some inheritance or lottery prizes. I hinted a bit of threat to pull out and a little bit of helplessness to reduce the effect and got some promises that my funds will be taken care of.

Actually looking back historically (I just started with them early last year), they have been taking care of my investment and able to give me between 9-15% return for less than a year for the funds that they sold already but they were smaller sums. I am waiting for my bigger funds return and hopefully to be able to trust this system as an investment tool.

Recovery

Weekends present the best time for me. Be able to spend time with my kids. Wake up together in the morning. Cuddling and talking. Observing them. How they developed so well! Hearing the word mommy, mommy uttered throughout the day. It's so therapeutic for me. We don't do too much activities during weekend. Apart from the weekend speech & drama class for an hour, all we do is just spend time at home. Play, eat, watch tv, nap. Recovering from the weekdays.The important thing is that we spend time together. Time that i value.

Heal the world

This morning as I was driving to work and as my car crawled along Jalan Tun Razak in front of the PNB/TH building at its most busy period (peak hour) I looked at the road side at the people. I saw people were walking hastily to work. A few construction workers started to go inside the construction area nearby.

Then in the midst of the hectic situation I saw a man.

He was bending over the rubbish bin lcoated on the roadside. By the way his clothing looked, I assume he's homeless or very very poor. He was dirty and unkempt. I saw him taking a bottle out. Put it down on the ground. Then continued searching. Searching either for something to sell or something to eat. I was thinking , he's some body's father, or some body's son. Tears welled in my eyes.

He's still dignified. Oblivious to people around him. Not caring for people looking. Why should he? He's not a thief!

How come he's not given any help or taken to shelter? It's so sad to see people can be so poor still exist in this city.

I was given this song to practise with my children in preparation for their year end concert. The message is clear if you care enough.


There's a place in your heart
And I know that it is love
And this place could be much Brighter than tomorrow.
And if you really try You'll find there's no need to cry
In this place you'll feel There's no hurt or sorrow.
There are ways to get there
If you care enough for the living
Make a little space, make a better place.

Heal the world
Make it a better place
For you and for me and the entire human race
There are people dying
If you care enough for the living
Make a better place for You and for me

(Song by MJ)

Life's a cycle

Both my parents stay in my home town. My father is ill, have been bed ridden for more than a year now. I feel helpless as far as he is concern. Unable to help. Don’t know what else to do. I should have been there more often. He doesn’t even talk anymore. He doesn’t seem to care for anything anymore. I feel so sad when I think about it. It’s hard for me to see him like that. I pray God for his health. We have a nurse come in every single day to check on his condition. My siblings and I decided to maintain the nurse visit for every single day.

My mother is getting old. She’s already past early 60s. I know she feels lonely at times. She complained so to me. Not much to do she said. When I called her sometimes she said nobody was at home. Just her and my father. We gave her a maid to help her with the house and with my father so that she doesn’t feel too stressed. Having the nurse daily for her referral also makes her less worried.

When we were children, our parents were like us now. Healthy, strong and capable. Busy managing family and work. One day they became old. And we were left with memories of happier times with them. And one day we’ll be like them. Older and counting days. Missing our children who are adults and seldom home. Life is really a cycle.

How time flies

Absent minded or just old age cathcing up? I brought the wrong handbag to work today, therefore left all the usual junk at home. And I missed my junk. Luckiy the purse and the handphone was not in the other bag.

I am always guilty of being absent minded. Always thinking of what to do next or otherwise think about the past events. So my mind is always busy but not on the present matter (except when i am working offcourse). Actually it's a time that flies by unnoticed. It's too late when suddenly you noticed hours have gone by, or "what! it's friday already. So fast!"

I have read somewhere that if you caught youself being absent minded, try to focus on your breathing for a while, it will bring you back to the present time which is the real time. So i try to follow that advice even though it sounds foolish. It's especially important when dealing with your kids. Because you want to give 100% attention to your kids when they are communicating with you. Not to pretend to listen to them but your mind is busy plotting and planning something else to do or to say. (I am always guilty of that too.)

I called my mom yesterday and she told me my brother was going back to his "desert" already. What? Is it 2 weeks already since he arrived home. I didn't even manage to ask him to come by for dinner. Well, bro, next time ok? See how time flies...?