I'm a woman

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It’s the 8^th day of fasting. I think I have lost 1 kg. Not bad. Maybe half of it was water but I try to drink as much water as possible during the night. I am not really a fan of drinking water but I tried, but how much could I swallow over a few hours anyway? I took vitamin pills and recently started on Calcium as well (doctor’s advice).  To add to that yesterday I started on the jamu just to give it a try. If it works I’ll let you know (wink).

I am not sure I eat more or less compared to normal days. But certainly nothing special or extraordinary. I cooked more than normal just to celebrate this month but I kept my eating as normal. I really want to use this month to take away a net 2 kg, and that is after expected additions of a couple of kilos during Raya festival. Then I will maintain. Well, that’s the plan anyway.

Talking about body and weight, I had always been very slim before I gave birth to my children. During the 1^st pregnancy my weight increased rapidly. After birth, I tried to reduce the weight, however half way I got pregnant with Emir. Emir was born at 3.93 kg, so you can imagine how big my body was at the time. The weight kept on increasing during the pregnancy and come a point I didn’t want to see the scale anymore. It’s that scary.

So a few months after the 2^nd delivery I went to a strict exercise regime complete with personal trainer but without cutting food, to the trainer chagrin, and I managed to get slim again with lots of help and reprimand from him. When I stop training,  I got pregnant twice again which ended in miscarriages but my body really took advantage of the situation and my weight sort of go up and down and up a couple of kilos. I have been trying to get rid of that since then. I couldn’t spend time on the exercise regime anymore due to hectic working schedule (standard excuses) so maintaining active and keep aware of food intake is my only strategy. I was planning to start doing crunches at home as well but every time I started on it, Emir and Fatini would rush to sit on my tummy. That’s too heavy weight! That always put a stop to my effort. I’ll try again though.

I don’t want to be too thin but I’d like to look slim and healthy. I hope I’ll make it.

Fatini and I

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Fatini is my only daughter. My bright sensitive little girl. Always wants mommy with her. She’s very close to me and my heart. She understands that I have to go to work in the morning and will pick her and brother in the evening. Sometimes likes to whine and cry, other times very considerate and pleasant. She’s only four years old but told me over and over ‘ Mommy I’m seven years old because before that I was six and before I was five and before I was four, before three and before I was a baby’.

She also seems to be always doing some “work” at home. “Mommy! I have to do my work” and "Mommy I'm busy". She will find books or writing board and will always be either writing, colouring, doing puzzles, reading, crosswords or drawing. Sometimes till to bed time, so I had to ask us to continue at school the next day. Since she was always doing some "work" I made it a point to make sure that there’s always some materials at home that she can use to ensure she doesn’t get bored. After doing some work she would then play with her brother and watched a little cartoon on TV.

At other times, you would see her with her arms always full. A Dora pink pillow, a Dollie and something else that she fancies like a small baby toy. But always the Dora pillow and the Dollie. Always. To bed and wherever she goes including school. When going to the malls we asked her to leave them in the car or at home. Because she could cry so badly if these items were left somewhere or forgotten. I rather went back to find them than to face her endless crying.

Yesterday she came down and told me, “ Mommy, I cleaned up your house at upstairs already” She's will feel so proud when I praised her. She’s really growing up fast. And I already missed her as a baby and as a toddler.

Human Beings

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Do you have enemies that you wish something bad would happen to him/her! Something that you don’t want to happen to yourself but wish it will happen to others? I hope you don’t, because what goes around will come around. I don’t dare to wish anything bad to happen even to the very person who I thought had crashed my life and my dignity. Because what you think is not necessarily what is truth. The mind is complex and ever full with its tricks and treats. As long as I am aware of that I know I am okay.

You know some people are just so narrow minded. They know they are lacking in something and their low self esteem make them so wish something bad will happen to you. These people wish you will feel worse than them. These people have no good intention on you. They may use you to the fullest when you let them but you get in their way, the devils come out.

And there’s people who think very highly of themselves. And who put themselves first before others. Who expect from others but never give. Who make thousands of good excuses for themselves to rationalize their actions and ease their guilt?

I am not stupid. I know when I am being used for others’ advantage. I know what is fair or not. I pretend I don’t notice.

So life is like that. Your best friend is yourself. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your loved ones. Take care of yourself because nobody else will do it for you.

Close Up

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Pictures taken by themselves. Do you know which is whom?

My new friend

Recently dark thoughts have been looming over me. Thoughts about my health and life. And then there is my back pain which is still there. So I decided to make visits to the doctor, which was yesterday.

 

Well, I spent the whole day at the hospital yesterday. I came in at about 9.45 am, and after a discussion with my gynecologist, I proceeded to the table where the examination was going to take place. As always, even though I braced myself to bravery, I was shaking the whole body from head to toe. This was not my first pap smear but even though it would be the 20th times, I would still feel the same.

We did the ultrascan and also decided that apart from the normal pap smear test I was to do the HPV test. The pap smear is to check for cancerous cell while HPV test (Human PapillomaVirus) is to check for a virus known to cause cervical cancer. This new test is just developed recently due to some new medical findings. The doctor said the sample taken would be taken quite deep. Seeing me so scared, he just talked on other things to calm me down while he’s doing his work. I don’t know how come I was still scared of this procedure after going through 2 caesarian deliveries and 2 D&Cs. Well, that’s how tough a woman is I guess, We braved all these for the sake of human subsistence. 

Anyway the procedure was not painful only the way it was done was so scary. I won’t elaborate. Then I went to the imaging lab for the mammogram which was actually my first test ever. I was so scared also. But the technician girl who was doing the imaging for me was very considerate and understanding. She said to me ‘don’t be scared, it will be uncomfortable but it won’t be painful’. I said, ‘are you sure? And she said, ‘yes, did other people tell you it would be painful?’ There was four imaging done. In between we had little laughs, me embarrassed, nervous type of laughs and she I guess seeing patient day after day must be thinking we were funny. But overall she was gentle and so understanding, considering the way the mammogram was done with all the awkward posture that I had to do. Then I had an Ultrasound scan done next. After waiting for the results and films, I went back to see the gynae to discuss. And due to a couple of small nodules found on my left breast he asked me to consult the surgeon for further discussion which was set at 3 pm. The findings scared me to the core, why was this happening to me?  My children, my children…. I kept thinking about my children. What if something was to happen to me ? I felt I must see the surgeon that day. No point to come back another day.

Well it was 3.30 pm when the surgeon came to see me. We reviewed the films and he decided that the nodules were harmless and very small. They normally developed after a certain age and sometimes disappear again. If I was too worried he could do a biopsy for me where a small fluid sample will be taken and checked in the lab but he didn’t think it was necessary. I need to come back for another check next January. I blew sighs of relief. What a day! God…, please protect me!

It was 4.30 pm when I finished and my bill came over more than RM1000.

Now come the moral of the story. I had been so lazy to go to the hospital. It seems like a complete waste of hours of waiting etc. I always waited till emergency case then only I dragged myself to the hospital. This set of mind needs a paradigm change. Hospitals are not just about doctors. They are just advisors like us in our jobs. Most importantly hospital has all these expensive equipment , technologies and laboratories which could be use to monitor our well being. The results from these technologies are facts and figures of our health. We should not only use hospital for treatment, we should use hospital as a preventive mechanism, to monitor the trend of our health so that preventive measures can be taken. Hospital is not my enemy anymore, it is my new friend.

For more info, please visit www.tellsomeone.com.my

How I wasted my energy this morning

I am so pissed off this morning on the way to work. When people say women drivers are bad, as a woman I always feel defensive on behalf of my gender. But some women drivers are really-really stupid to put it plainly. This is the kind who won’t look left or right, just to the front, emotionless, who will change lanes at the instant she decided so no matter what. Who will drive at her own pace no matter how many cars have to crawl behind her car. (Well logically it applied to some men drivers as well.)

Anyway this morning, just exit the Damansara Toll Plaza,  in the wide toll exit road, this particular woman driver decided she must go to the most right lane there and then, at that particular instance!. All the cars are crawling since the road is tuning into a three lane from the wide exit of the plaza toll, off course there is no space for anybody to squeeze in as all the cars are queuing up. She just moved very close and knocked my car and went straight in front me. I could feel the soft bump because her car grazed my car. She didn’t stop. I moved next to her, she didn’t look to me. She just made a dumb ass face looking straight ahead in front like a robot. I notice she had a bad scratch on the side of her car. Padan muka!. After moving some distance I found that she was on the same route as me. What the hell she squeezed to be in front of me changing the lane like she would miss a junction if she didn’t.  I drove in front of her and all of a sudden she moved very-very slowly as to lose me. Obviously she knew what she had done and was scared to have a talk or to pay. Hers a Toyota. Mine a BMW. Maybe that scared her off to pay. I couldn’t be too aggressive in stopping her because I got my kids at the back. I just need to teach her a lesson.

I took her car photos, plate numbers, of course. Thinking about making a police report later so that I can claim on the small damage no matter how cheap so that she gets a message. I thought this scheme out of very deep irritation. I know making a police report takes hours and is a waste of times. I have other things to do today like I have an appointment with my doctor which will take hours also. Arghhhh I feel so irritated …..(screaming in my mind).

Ramadhan and memories

There you go. I have done the labelling to sort my posting. The topics are not really as labelled but can be grouped together as such, So i guess, it makes things more organized.

I wish everybody a good weekend. And to muslims selamat berpuasa, this is the month for new resolutions, to be a better person, richer in qualities and quantities, and enjoy the month of Ramadhan as family as it is only once a year.

I can't wait to start as Ramadhan always brings new meanings to me. I have years of memories of Ramadhan backdated to childhood years as early as I can remember. The memories as children. Learning to fast, the cheating, the water we drank after playing because we forgot, the times mom and dad had diffidulty to wake us up for sahur because we were too sleepy, the time I cannot wait to buka puasa and counting down the minutes, the gathering of families during breaking fast everyday for the whole month, the nightly terawih at surau, the excitement of baju raya and shoe shopping, the verses of niat puasa and doa bukak puasa my father taught us, the cookies we helped mom to bake and how i counted how many my mom prepared for the Raya that year.

Those were memories from childhood. and I am still making memories and remembering all the Ramadhans. May God make me a better person.

Categorizing

I have not been labeling or categorizing my posting. Anyway since I have been erratically posting about anything, I want to start doing the categorizing now and particularly I want to dedicate a category to Health Issues as I am very interested in it and I want to explore more about common health issues affecting us the common people and want to share the information here. Also I need to file the info somewhere anyway.

I still have not gotten around how the labeling work, let me figure it out first!

Beauty talk

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Clarins Beauty Institute called me again yesterday. I have been avoiding the calls from them for a couple of months actually. But the last call I couldn’t make out whose number and just answered. Well they called me to make another appointment for facial. They told me I have 4 four facials left to do in the package. Well, I bought the package last year. I thought since I did not take care of my face, why don’t I pay somebody to do it for me? It sounded logical to me at the time. However, I didn’t do my part very well. The last time I visited them to do the facial was on the eve of a dinner function in early May. Now is end of August already.

I have not been good with my beauty regime. I have been lazy. Sometimes I don’t even wash properly my face at night. Just with water during ambik air sembahyang. That’s it. Not because I don’t want to take care but sometimes I was too tired and sleepy.

Anyway I told Clarins I will call next week to make an appointment. Well, really I don’t feel like lying down on the bed for one and half hour for them to do the facial. My time is so limited. I have better things to do. My plan is once I finish off this package I will discontinue.

I should be more religious in taking care of myself and whatever beauty ( actually ehmm.. lack of) which sometimes I take for granted that what I have now will last forever. What a delusion! If I scrutinize carefully actually I can see the difference in my skin texture than compared to 10 years ago at the prime of my youth. How I wish I could turn back the time. Maybe there’s a short cut to preserve all this, or is there any at all?

There are so many methods used by people that I have heard like dermabrasion, botox, vit C injection, live cell/placenta injection, laser treatment etc which I don’t think I would ever try. Takut… So I make a new plan. Take Vitamin everyday. Apart from fighting infections, the vitamin will feed my cells with the required nutrient that I miss in my daily food intake. Use sun block. This will protect my face and hopefully delay the aging. Makan jamu. My masseuse has just ordered me a bottle of jamu cost RM50 which she claimed help her tighten up her tummy. Looking at her slim tummy for evidence, I will take her words and will try. Do massage every month to de-stress. Take things easy and worry less. Be happy. That’s it! I will try these and will see what happens. No harm in trying.

Deliberation

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I am having quite a terrible lower back pain, on my right hand side. It started yesterday morning. It was so difficult to get out of the car or move as I would like to. I couldn’t carry the kids or bend down. I don’t know what’s wrong. This has really affecting my mood.

During lunch yesterday, my friends said I should do a medical check up as soon as possible. Actually I am also due for the pap smear test and I need to do the mammogram.

Somehow a topic of a mutual girl friend of around the same age came up. She died last couple of years due to cancer. She left two very young children, the youngest at the time was only 3 or 4 years old. Every time people talked about her, because I knew her, I became very very sad. Yesterday the sadness was accompanied with fear. Fear about my own children if anything was to happen to me. Who’s going to take care of them, plan for them, educate and bring them up? Most importantly who’s going to look into their eyes with tenderness and love, kiss them and smell them, stroke their head softly, share the pillow as they sleep, affirm them, tolerate their whinings and moanings, and talk nothing with them? Who’s going to put them first before herself? Their delicate age frightens me. The thoughts carried over to last night, I couldn’t sleep. Yesterday I looked at them, Emir’s good look and Fatini’s delicate features. So innocent and unassuming! They have really become my pride and joy. Never I knew that life has become this meaningful!

May Allah protect and give me, husband and my children good health, and I pray that my husband and I will live long enough to see our children grow up and become independent.