When I heard about Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett this morning, I was enveloped by feelings of melancholy and sadness. Like other people, I just knew them from pictures and TV. But I did grow up with them even though they were in another side of the world. My childhood idol was Farah Fawcett with her blonde and flipping hair. I remembered as a child I used my mother's hair dryer trying to curl my hair like hers, looking into the mirror very2 hard trying to imagine I have the Caucasian eyes and I walked around shaking my head pretending that my hair was blonde like Farah Fawcett’s.
Then there was Michael Jackson songs over the years which I played over and over again. Silly as it may sound, I am one of those who feel this lost. They were part of my childhood and growing years memories.
These people died quite young. The news made me feel a little insecure about life. How our life can be taken unexpectedly and as swiftly as that. While these people have their own issues but so do we have our own issues albeit at different levels. And when death takes us these issues which took priority while we are alive become not as important anymore.
And one day it will be my turn.
I pray to God that my family, my kids and myself are graced by God with health, wisdom and long meaningful life. Amin.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
My father
Some have written about their fathers. Some may have fathers who still live. Some have fathers who have passed away. Mine is on my thoughts always. My father is bedridden. The sad things about being bedridden is sometimes you got forgotten in the hecticness of life around you.
Imagine being immobile. The children visited you when they have times. But they have nothing to talk to you about except for hello and greetings about the first 3 minutes when they arrived and goodbyes in the last 2 minutes before they left. It’s all out of respect and mainly guilt of being the children of a sick parent.
Imagine the frustration yet unable to say it. Imagine the pain of the bone in every slightest movement. The pain in the thinness of the skin when it stretched. Imagine the headache of lying day after day, month after month immobile. Imagine the boredom. Where are my children? Why am I so lonely? Why am I still living this painful life?
The above was what I always imagine what my father is going through. And yet I am still one of the children I just mentioned. The one who was raised to be successful and independent and yet helpless when it comes to taking care of a parent.
Many2 times when I am at my parents house, I noticed my father got forgotten. We just passed by him Chasing our children. Minding our business. Enjoying the get togetherness between mother, children and siblings. Everybody is enjoying themselves yet he was not included.
Yet my mind went back to the time before he was bed ridden just a couple of years ago. Always sitting on the porch to see us go. Always have this look that I had interpreted as concern.
You know what my secret is. I always thought I was my father’s favourite child when I grew up. That was what I believe secretly whether it be true or not. But when I became adult somehow I felt I was a disappointment to him. I don’t know why I thought I failed him.
There are memories that I have of him. He was the one who cried when I left to go oversea to further my study. He cried on my shoulder when I took his hand to kiss. Nobody else ever did cry on me.
When he visited me when I started my job, he was so proud when he saw my full name on the door of my office. He said to my mother, “see there was my name not your name on the door” referring to the surname.
There were thousand of things he did for me that I cannot possibly list here. His difficulty in trying to raise a new generation which he wanted to be better than him were those that I remembered the most. There were a great lack of money but lots of sweat, effort and advices and that’s what I appreciate and cherished most. I can still remember the sweat on his forehead and a big smile on his face when he saw me coming to him each month he visited me at the boarding school for 5 years I was there.
I still remember he kissed the money I gave him when one day I decided to just hand some money to him.
I remember I showed him my report card each term and he said I was so clever. Just what he wanted. Keep it up.
When I grew up we never went for holiday to create memories which most parents do nowadays with their children which is to create happy memories. I wonder sometimes, are children really going to appreciate the happy memories or still wanting more as they grow older. Or are children going to remember more of our difficulties in raising them and they will grow to appreciate us more?
Are we as parents want to have grateful children or just want to let them will grow up and go away.
I thought what a life we go through but life is always a cycle isn’t it?
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Working away
Some years ago I worked far away from family and friends. Not married yet and no worries. I even worked in the dessert and made acquaintances with the camels and still okay.... no problem....Now when my boss mention the other day I had to go away (overseas) for a few days, i began to worry. Oh, oh! what about my kids? Who's going to take them to school? who's going to cook dinner? can my husband cope? Should I call my mother to come to KL ? Or should I take them with me?
I used to know a couple of women who left their children back home and worked somewhere else and not meeting their children for months. I never thought it strange back then, but reflecting back, I don't think I could ever have done that! How I have changed.
Problem
I cannot access my google account from my office any longer. That explained why I was quiet the whole week. It’s really frustrating. To access from home is almost near to impossible. I am not one who can sit by the computer while my kids happily by themselves. They never leave me alone. Both of them will swarm around me soon after I switch the pc on. Then they will take over from me.
This week I went to one of the private schools in KL. I made an appointment to visit the school. I thought the location could be suitable however the roads approaching the school were quite busy. The school itself is quite small, jammed and packed with students. The layout is terrible and there’s no space for children to roam around free. It’s really different from what I imagine considering that it’s a paid school. After looking at the facilities and classrooms I lost interest.
I couldn’t imagine putting the kids there for 12 years even though the school prides itself for its students academic and co curriculum achievement.
There are other schools that I will visit soon. Now I began to worry again about the kids schooling.
This week I went to one of the private schools in KL. I made an appointment to visit the school. I thought the location could be suitable however the roads approaching the school were quite busy. The school itself is quite small, jammed and packed with students. The layout is terrible and there’s no space for children to roam around free. It’s really different from what I imagine considering that it’s a paid school. After looking at the facilities and classrooms I lost interest.
I couldn’t imagine putting the kids there for 12 years even though the school prides itself for its students academic and co curriculum achievement.
There are other schools that I will visit soon. Now I began to worry again about the kids schooling.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Never ending story
Last weekend I was at my hometown. All my siblings were there. So there were lots of children. In between us there were two maids, which is my mom’s new maid and my SIL’s maid. My SIL’s maid is young, always smiling sweetly and seemed to be good and patient with children from my view and others. I had asked her to feed my children whenever she can. The new maid seemed rough and a bit calculative when asked to do anything that she didn’t consider her scope of work.
So one of the evenings, I needed Fatini and Emir to be bathed since they were sweaty and it’s almost dusk So I was looking for this young maid. I call her names but there was no answer.
So I went to a room, It was close. So I opened it, without knocking in a sudden move… and I caught her in action!
She certainly didn’t look sweet at the time when she was being rough with my 6 year old niece. Her voice and face were completely different from what she showed to us. She was shouting harshly (herdik) and throwing shirts to the floor near my niece in a very rude and rough manner. And I looked at my niece’s face which showed something like it’s not unusual to be roughened like that.
I never thought this was possible coming from this maid! She was so shocked and her face turned pale as she saw me. She put her hands to her chest and certainly looked scared. I pretended nothing happened. But I thought she saw that my face has changed but still pretending like I saw nothing I had to continue asking her whether she can bathe Fatini and Emir. In a way I regretted opening the door to find that kind of situation. I was thinking well, all this time I thought it was my fault for being so suspicious of my maid, now it seemed that others who trust their maid completely may be careless as well.
I thought I would not tell my SIL straight away as I am afraid she would know I tell. But the next day I couldn’t contain it anymore so I told my SIL.
Another story was my mother’s previous maid who worked for two months before my mother sent her back to the agency due to extreme laziness. When I saw her she seemed nice but extremely slow.
Since she was not functioning my mother decided to return her. However she refused to get into the car. Even though my mother threatened to call the police she refused to obey. She seemed adamant to stay. So my mother called my second sister who lived nearby. My sister came and as she was bigger, she took the maid’s hand and pulled her (at that time the maid was in the bathroom washing her clothes) straight into the car. She was not given time to pack. From the bathroom straight into the car and returned to the agency. The story didn’t end there. Upon arrival of the new maid who cleaned up the store in the kitchen, they found properly packed and kept well hidden was my sister’s handphone (she had to buy new one when it was lost), my mother’s watch which was a present from my niece to her grandma (my niece bought another one to replace), my niece’s pretty t-shirts and my mother’s wardrobe drawer keys. Luckily my mother didn’t keep her gold in the house.
The other day the agency called my mom saying that the maid has asked to find her handphone and watch which was left at my mom’s house. What a nerve! My mother couldn’t believe her ears and told the whole story to the agency who kept quiet.
Can you imagine what these maids up to? Being trusted with our belongings and children?
So one of the evenings, I needed Fatini and Emir to be bathed since they were sweaty and it’s almost dusk So I was looking for this young maid. I call her names but there was no answer.
So I went to a room, It was close. So I opened it, without knocking in a sudden move… and I caught her in action!
She certainly didn’t look sweet at the time when she was being rough with my 6 year old niece. Her voice and face were completely different from what she showed to us. She was shouting harshly (herdik) and throwing shirts to the floor near my niece in a very rude and rough manner. And I looked at my niece’s face which showed something like it’s not unusual to be roughened like that.
I never thought this was possible coming from this maid! She was so shocked and her face turned pale as she saw me. She put her hands to her chest and certainly looked scared. I pretended nothing happened. But I thought she saw that my face has changed but still pretending like I saw nothing I had to continue asking her whether she can bathe Fatini and Emir. In a way I regretted opening the door to find that kind of situation. I was thinking well, all this time I thought it was my fault for being so suspicious of my maid, now it seemed that others who trust their maid completely may be careless as well.
I thought I would not tell my SIL straight away as I am afraid she would know I tell. But the next day I couldn’t contain it anymore so I told my SIL.
Another story was my mother’s previous maid who worked for two months before my mother sent her back to the agency due to extreme laziness. When I saw her she seemed nice but extremely slow.
Since she was not functioning my mother decided to return her. However she refused to get into the car. Even though my mother threatened to call the police she refused to obey. She seemed adamant to stay. So my mother called my second sister who lived nearby. My sister came and as she was bigger, she took the maid’s hand and pulled her (at that time the maid was in the bathroom washing her clothes) straight into the car. She was not given time to pack. From the bathroom straight into the car and returned to the agency. The story didn’t end there. Upon arrival of the new maid who cleaned up the store in the kitchen, they found properly packed and kept well hidden was my sister’s handphone (she had to buy new one when it was lost), my mother’s watch which was a present from my niece to her grandma (my niece bought another one to replace), my niece’s pretty t-shirts and my mother’s wardrobe drawer keys. Luckily my mother didn’t keep her gold in the house.
The other day the agency called my mom saying that the maid has asked to find her handphone and watch which was left at my mom’s house. What a nerve! My mother couldn’t believe her ears and told the whole story to the agency who kept quiet.
Can you imagine what these maids up to? Being trusted with our belongings and children?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Author Fatini
Work of art by fatini (5 years old). She has drawn many many impressive pictures but this one is the first I have seen which come with some story, all written by herself unaided last night. I got to see it pleasantly surprised when she showed me her work. Good job Fatini.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
My guests
Yesterday I had invited my two brothers and families to my house for dinner. I am happy to learn that my brother (the one who lives in Melaka and just started work in KL) has moved his whole family to our area in KL/Selangor. That makes three of us now. The other two are in Melaka closer to my mom. I’m thankful to them for being around closer to my mother to keep her company. I know they visit my mother very2 often.
As for me here it’s nice too to know relatives are around. If there is a kenduri kendara at any of our places, we know at least that this crowd is around to support. Prior to recent years, I have been very much alone in KL. I hardly meet any of them except if we happen to visit my mom’s house at the same time. Any one of us would also be on extended oversea assignment which make it very difficult to meet. I guess we are all much older now and are more settled. And eventually we want to go back to basics i.e. stay at home with family and form back bonds with siblings and close relatives and friends.
So they came last night. My idea is just a simple get together. Once I arrived home from work at about 6.30 pm, I started my cooking (spaghetti olio) in a large pot to feed 6 adults and 10 big and small kids. I supplemented the meals with ordered nasi goring from nearby café, popiah, black forest cake and durian for desserts. My SIL asked me mana lauk, hehe tak de, ni aje.... Anyway my spaghetti was favourite with little Farisha (youngest cousin). I think she ate my spaghetti non stop! and she ate the cake too! and yet she's so tiny.....
Fatini and Emir were so excited to see many cousins came. But I think they miss Hakeem and Nabila's presence. However Emir was so delighted to meet so many bigger boys and had a mighty boys night, running and tumbling around . It was good to be together
